I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
