It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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