I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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