Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
