Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
