It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
