Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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