Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
FUCK WHALES
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
