please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You took a bar mat shot.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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