If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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