My cat gives me a boner
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
