eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
