You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
