Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
