things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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