New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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