You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
