it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
