I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize