I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
