i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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