True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize