it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
