Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
