The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
