I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Are my feet made of real feet?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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