I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
