If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
