Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
