I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
