he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
