She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
