Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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