White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
