Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
