birth control should be required to get into college
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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