I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize