Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
