Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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