i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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