Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
