I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
What drink are we having for lunch?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
