If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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