Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize