Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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