he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
