I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
