Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
MIDGETS
????
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
