does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
