When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
