he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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