$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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