I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
