Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
