I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
