So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
